The therapist asks questions that assume that the adult client can be responsible for his / her reactiveness to the other.

An example would be, "How do you understand the way you seem to take your child's acting out so personally?"  In response to such questions, family members are encouraged to take an 'I' position where they speak about how they view the problem, without attacking, or defending against, another family member (Bowen, 1971a in Bowen, 1978: 252; Goodnow and Lim, 1997).

Clients are taught to make personal statements about their thoughts and feelings in order to facilitate a greater sense of responsibility in a relationship.  For example, an accusatory statement such as, 'You are so selfish to cause this much worry for your parents!', is shifted to, 'I am really concerned that this might affect your school grades'.  The parent is encouraged to 'own' their worries, rather than to project their anxieties through blaming statements.

Developing such a 'self-focus' is said to be crucial in lowering anxiety and enabling 'person to person' relationships where each family member can think about the part they play in problematic interactions.